I’m sitting with Ida and Ellen, eating yummy Christmas scones, talking about our upcoming trip to London. Someone says something funny and we all laugh - me too.
“Hello. You do know you look extra ugly when you laugh, right?” says the depression. I stop laughing.
“Please, not now”, I whisper inside my head. “Can’t you just let me be happy for a couple of hours?”
“They’re talking about their boyfriends, right?” I remain silent for a while, then nodding, my lips pressed together.
“Nice. So what’s up with your boyfriend then? Oh, I forgot. You’ve never had one.”
“That was unnecessary”, says the used-to-hide-things Johanna.
“Well, it’s true”, says the depression nonchalantly. “What do you think, old Johanna? Didn’t you too believe she would have had a boyfriend before she was sixteen?”
The old Johanna stares at the depression, then lower her eyes.
“Yes…” she answers shortly.
“But she’s been busy with school, she haven’t had the time”, says the used-to-hide-things-Johanna.
“Try telling yourself that”. The depression grins. “Like it has nothing to do with that she’s so boring even Ida and Ellen wish they weren’t here right now.”
“Don’t listen to that. You know they both said they wanted to be with you”, says the old Johanna.
“Gosh, that’s right! She was even so desperate she asked them. Talk about needy! Isn’t that like the opposite to them? She could disappear any day and they wouldn’t care. They have other friends, people want to be friends with them unlike with her.” The depression looks at us for a while.
“And like it has nothing to do with her body looking like a twelve year olds, or with her being so messed up she can’t even feel feelings all the time”.
Everybody is silent. The old Johanna and the used-to-hide-things Johanna have no defense against that.
“But, OK. It has to do with her betting on her education… And how does that go, sweetie? Do you have straight A:s?”
“She’s doing her best”, says the used-to-things Johanna.
“And when we’re on it I have another question too, didn’t Ellen and Ida have MVG in like every subject?”
“They did”, says the used-to-hide-things Johanna, biting her lip in denial.
“That’s what I thought, so studying can’t really be the reason she’s alone. That’s just an excuse. Seriously, why don’t you take suicide?”
“No!” The old Johanna jumps up. “You will not take suicide”.
“But why don’t you realize you’ll never going to stop being a failure!? You’re not intelligent, you’re not funny, you don’t look good, you don’t have friends, you will never get a job, you will never get a boyfriend, you’re a burden for your family, everybody despise you. Why would you possibly want to live like that?”
“Hope”, says the old Johanna and for once she doesn’t lower her eyes. ’Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.’”
“Really? Are you quoting The Hunger Games? ‘Hope is the only thing stronger than fear’, blah! Well I was there too when she read it, it’s a nice quote and I admit it’s true. But I hope you realize her hope has diminished rapidly during the last months, it will soon be gone. And when it’s gone she will take suicide. Be so sure.”
För att jag inte har tid att skriva något annat får ni en liten inblick från november/december. Ellen och Ida är underbara och är antagligen ovetandes om det här eftersom det hände i mitt huvud, så det är bara att chilla. Om ni läser det här kan jag passa på att säga att jag tycker om er väldigt mycket ♥
Fotot nedan är från Spanien 2011 (ja, jag har bildbrist).